A lot of the time, people make jokes where the joke is that what they're saying is really crazy or fucked up.

Usually, I don't get those jokes.

Really, people say all kinds of crazy, fucked up shit when they're serious, and in comparison a lot of the joke stuff is pretty tame. Usually when people make those jokes, I think for a minute, then I'll nod and say "okay...". It's weird, sure, but not any weirder than the stuff I get on a regular basis from the people I hang out with.

Maybe I need to find saner friends. That sounds like it wouldn't be as much fun, though.

Anyway, my big problem is that a lot of the time it's not too hard to imagine a plausible explanation for the crazy statement, especially if you accept that most people are not particularly sane to begin with. Including me, for what it's worth, lest you think I'm being snooty or something.

Lately, I've had the title song from Brazil running through my head again. I have to say, opting to live in a fantasy world is certainly the happiest ending the Lowry character could have had, and as time goes by the idea of that dissociation as the (heroic?) triumph seems less and less weird.

All self expression is a lie.

A lie of omission.

Interesting mental structures (maybe all mental structures) are too complex to be accurately expressed through any medium. Any expression is therefore unfaithful in some important way to the throughts and feelings that engendered it.

Which is not to say that creativity and expression are useless or uninteresting; just that all communication is necessarily incomplete, which is incredibly frustrating. You can slave away on whatever is it you're working on, you can devote your life to your chosen artistic medium, and no one will ever feel just what you're feeling or think just what you're thinking. Despite the increasingly connected nature of our society, regardless of the number or closeness of the relationships you have, we're all still marooned on our little islands by ourselves, sending smoke signals to each other over the water.

I hate that.

Okay, so I haven't ended up filling the pages like I suggested, but I'm working on it. It's all about the process, dude.

Today there was the most amazing light as I was leaving work; warm late-day light filtered through heavy clouds. It felt apocalyptic; no shadows, but much yellower than normal overcast light.

Dramatic lighting makes my life feel more interesting than it is, like when just the right song comes on the radio. The kind of light we had, I half expected to stop in the middle of the street for my close up. As though they needed to film a reaction shot for something dramatic happening off camera, like an alien invasion, or the return of my arch-nemesis, or something. If I feel like I'm in a movie, then I can pretend that there's some purpose to my life; or that I can expect some plot or character development, at least. Lots of fun, but when I tell people I really like the light it they're usually pretty non-commital. Don't other poeple have emotional reactions to light/weather/atmosphere?

In other news, what do you do when your friends are really into something that you'd rather not participate in? Especially if it has become a major focus of your friendship? I used to be game, but I'm less and less inclined to join in anymore.

Part of me thinks that writing about writing is a little too masturbatory, even for a blog, but then again it's something that I tend to think about when I'm thinking about blogging. If I'm going to go all stream-of-consciousness on you (me?) I might as well toss in everything. Toning down that personal censor is part of the point, at least for me.

Also, because I've never decided about the audience stuff, I can't decide how personal to get. If I'm going to talk about everything that's on my mind, then I probably could never actually attach my name to the thing, which I think I might like to do someday.

I have such a hard time deciding what to blog and what not to blog; what's relevant or not relevant, what's interesting or not, what's worthwhile or not.

Part of my problem is that I've never decided who the audience is, exactly, or even whether I'm writing to an audience. Without that I'm rudderless as far as "relevant" or "interesting" goes. Part of why I wanted to do this was to write whatever I felt like I needed to write, but then again I haven't been doing it long enough to know when writing down a thought will help.

So, instead of erring on the side of nothing, as I have been over the last few weeks, I will err on the side of over-description for a little while to see how it feels.

Okay, I guess I can understand why people care so much, but what I don't get is the self righteous attitude so many people have about their stance on political issues.

Why do people care so much about political issues?

When I first became politically aware, say, in junior high, I was very conservative. I was curious about the "other" side, though, so I went to college at Berkeley. Since then, I've felt that both sides generally have something worthwhile to say.

In politics, the answers are not clear cut. If they were, then the issues would not be contentious, and therefore they would not be political issues. What I've been wondering about lately is why people believe so strongly in one side or the other of a political issue when the "right" position is (almost by definition) unclear. I can think of a few possibilities:

1. People think they have information that other people do not have (including experiences that others have not had)
   
2. People think they are smarter than the people on the other side (they posess understanding that others are unable to attain)
   
3. People's interests differ, and they are trying to secure benefits for themselves or deny special benefits to others
   

Please note: "Because I'm right and they're wrong" is not a valid answer.

I need to blog because all of the things floating around in my head are going to die unless I let them out somehow. That's the charter for this blog, and if it sounds conceited you shouldn't be terribly surprised because all blogging has a tendency to be. Why should you care? Damned if I know, but it can be interesting, no? Truly interesting blog entries are rare indeed, but every once in a while something pops out that's real and true and the outlet has to exist when those thoughts happen or they die. Or worse, they get old. Old thoughts are like yesterday's lunch; once the cud has been chewed over, it's time to move on.

Why make a persistent record of old thoughts then? I figure that once they've been written I don't have to keep chewing on them anymore.