Sunday, September 14, 2003

A lot of the time, people make jokes where the joke is that what they're saying is really crazy or fucked up.

Usually, I don't get those jokes.

Really, people say all kinds of crazy, fucked up shit when they're serious, and in comparison a lot of the joke stuff is pretty tame. Usually when people make those jokes, I think for a minute, then I'll nod and say "okay...". It's weird, sure, but not any weirder than the stuff I get on a regular basis from the people I hang out with.

Maybe I need to find saner friends. That sounds like it wouldn't be as much fun, though.

Anyway, my big problem is that a lot of the time it's not too hard to imagine a plausible explanation for the crazy statement, especially if you accept that most people are not particularly sane to begin with. Including me, for what it's worth, lest you think I'm being snooty or something.

Lately, I've had the title song from Brazil running through my head again. I have to say, opting to live in a fantasy world is certainly the happiest ending the Lowry character could have had, and as time goes by the idea of that dissociation as the (heroic?) triumph seems less and less weird.

Saturday, September 13, 2003

All self expression is a lie.

A lie of omission.

Interesting mental structures (maybe all mental structures) are too complex to be accurately expressed through any medium. Any expression is therefore unfaithful in some important way to the throughts and feelings that engendered it.

Which is not to say that creativity and expression are useless or uninteresting; just that all communication is necessarily incomplete, which is incredibly frustrating. You can slave away on whatever is it you're working on, you can devote your life to your chosen artistic medium, and no one will ever feel just what you're feeling or think just what you're thinking. Despite the increasingly connected nature of our society, regardless of the number or closeness of the relationships you have, we're all still marooned on our little islands by ourselves, sending smoke signals to each other over the water.

I hate that.

Wednesday, September 10, 2003

Okay, so I haven't ended up filling the pages like I suggested, but I'm working on it. It's all about the process, dude.

Today there was the most amazing light as I was leaving work; warm late-day light filtered through heavy clouds. It felt apocalyptic; no shadows, but much yellower than normal overcast light.

Dramatic lighting makes my life feel more interesting than it is, like when just the right song comes on the radio. The kind of light we had, I half expected to stop in the middle of the street for my close up. As though they needed to film a reaction shot for something dramatic happening off camera, like an alien invasion, or the return of my arch-nemesis, or something. If I feel like I'm in a movie, then I can pretend that there's some purpose to my life; or that I can expect some plot or character development, at least. Lots of fun, but when I tell people I really like the light it they're usually pretty non-commital. Don't other poeple have emotional reactions to light/weather/atmosphere?

In other news, what do you do when your friends are really into something that you'd rather not participate in? Especially if it has become a major focus of your friendship? I used to be game, but I'm less and less inclined to join in anymore.